benign

Biopsy was benign, by the way. No surprise, but good to hear. I have to go back in 6 months for another exam and ultrasound. Hey, as long as it's not a mammogram, I don't care!

Squish.

I had my mammogram and biopsy today. Wow. The mammogram was the MOST PAINFUL medical procedure I have ever had. I started crying because I was in so much pain. It was horrible. I can see why women skip it. It's a truly hideous experience. I also believe that if men had to take a diagnostic test that required sticking their private parts between two plates and squooshing them as flat as possible, someone, somewhere, would have invented a special chamber just for this purpose, no squishing required.

Compared to the mammogram, the biopsy was a walk in the park, although I bruised really, really badly, and now my left breast is one big bruise. DH is so sad about that- he feels really badly for me and my poor left breast.

Results in three business days? I'm not worried about it, but I hope I don't have to repeat this experience any time soon.

Oy.

I found out today that I have to have a needle biopsy of a tiny lump in one of my breasts. I am not excited about this news. About four months ago, when I was feeling myself up in the shower (the easiest place for me to give myself self-breast exams), I noticed this tiny lump. I figure, hey, I'm young (late 20s), this is almost certainly nothing, but it hasn't always been there. So, when I had my well-woman appointment a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned it to my doctor. You can barely feel the lump- it's hard for me to feel unless I have lotion, or gel, or something to make the skin slippery. She feels it, says she doesn't think it's anything serious, but will refer me for a breast ultrasound.

This brings us to today. I fully expected the doctor to look at the ultrasound pictures and say, "oh, this is just a cyst/dense breast tisue/etc. It's nothing; go home." Instead, she comes in, feels for the lump, and when she finally feels it, I can tell from her face that I'm not getting that response today.

So, I'm scheduled for a mammogram and a biopsy in a few weeks. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit scared.

Grad school has been really bad for my health. Since I've been here, I've gone on antidepressants twice, had physical therapy for knee pain, developed allergy-like symptoms (although I don't seem to actually have allergies- I had allergy tests and everything!), had whooping cough, shoulder pain, a pre-cancerous mole removed, and now I need to have a breast biopsy. I never used to have these kinds of health problems. This is ridiculous.

Insomnia

I got 3 hours of sleep last night. Why? Because I started taking Lexapro yesterday. I took it way too late in the day (around 4:30), and it kept me up all night. This happened when I started taking Celexa a few years ago. I'll start taking it in the morning, and the situation should resolve itself.

I finally decided to go back on antidepressants because I can't change anything that is bothering me about my life until either DH or I leaves grad school. I am not ready to quit (although I am always wishing that I had never started).

We will see how the meds go. Celexa worked great, except for gaining 10 lbs and losing my libido. Lexapro is just another form of Celexa, so I am wary of these side effects again, and will not hesitate to ask the psychiatrist to put me on something else if either of these side effects show up.

Started my project for the Knitting Olympics last night. I frogged it this morning, and I'm starting over, though. I'm doing the Midwest Moonlight scarf from Scarf Style in KnitPicks Elegance. I think the pattern as stated is too wide, given this yarn. So I'm making it narrower.

Feeling better

All right, the pissiness in my last post has dissipated, mostly, although the underlying sentiment is still there. I was the bigger person and apologized to DH for being so difficult, esp. since I knew he was trying hard.

Did I mention I was on vicodin when I wrote that last post? I had a root canal on Wednesday, and ibuprofen just wasn't working on the pain yesterday. I called the endodontist, and he phoned in a prescription for vicodin. I was on vicodin all yesterday afternoon and last night. Good stuff. I can see why it's addictive. I'm making a point of not taking it today, since the ibuprofen actually is working on the pain now. The vicodin did mean that I had a hard time keeping my eyes open when DH and I went to see The Lion, The Witch, & The Wardrobe. I managed it, but it was tough.

That movie was pretty meh, though. I felt like the moviemakers had ripped so much of the battle scenes from Lord of the Rings, not to mention the White Witch's mutant/trollish army, which looked kind of like orcs, if you ask me. There also was no ambiguousness about good and evil in the story, and the feminist in me was asking, "Why is it that Peter, the oldest boy, is basically the top king/warrior/etc. of them all? And why is it that the bad character is female?" I haven't read the book in ages, but my friend mentioned that C.S. Lewis refers to the Queen as a "daughter of Lilith," which opens up a whole other feminist can of worms. Sigh. Since I haven't read the book in so long, it's hard for me to tell whether the flaws in the movie were actually from the movie, or if they were there in the book too. I suspect the latter, personally.

I also learned that my DH seriously, SERIOUSLY knows nothing about Christianity, despite whatever his mom did in taking him to church when he was little. I had to explain to him last night what Jesus's death and resurrection really meant, and how yes, in Christian tradition, this vanquished evil b/c Jesus conquered death. In a nutshell. Sigh. I seriously need to get him a "Christianity for Dummies" book that will spell everything out to him. I am far from a Bible scholar, but I could see how the story of Aslan had a few more parallels than just Aslan dying/coming back to life. Susan and Lucy, for instance, were the parallel of Mary and Martha.

I also thought there were some vague similarities between LW&W and Harry Potter, although I think that may be b/c LW&W, Harry Potter, and LOTR all have similar grounding in archetypal mythology (just like Star Wars, although from what I remember, Lucas was very, very specific in following Joseph Campbell's description of the typical hero story), so in that sense, the stories are going to be similar, at minimum.

Next on my list of movies to see is Memoirs of a Geisha. I hear it's also meh, but I liked the book a lot. We're going to see Walk the Line first, though. Tomorrow, in fact. I've heard so many people say how much they loved that movie... and then there was my mom, who said, "That story is just SO trashy!" LOL. My mom has no patience for drug abuse, violence, or infidelity, so it's no wonder she thinks that people like Johnny Cash and Elvis were trashy.

Also, on the subject of John Spencer's death, which I mentioned in my last post-

I've been reading a lot of Television Without Pity's West Wing boards today, just to see the reaction. There are a lot of really, really sad people out there today. John Spencer was only 58 years old- too young, in my opinion. (younger than my dad!) What I didn't know until I read the New York Times obituary was that John Spencer, like his character Leo, was a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. Sadly, alcohol and drug abuse really take a lasting toll on your system, and I'm sure that it contributed to his too-early demise. I'm not really shaken up by his death like some are, because I've experienced the death of a close loved one, so the death of a television actor that I didn't feel that passionately about doesn't affect me much. I was neutral on the character of Leo- I prefer C.J. and Toby, myself, but even I can see that if there was any question that this was the last season of West Wing, this has pretty much answered it. When The Powers That Be make the decision to put a major character in what I think is the extremely unrealistic position of vice presidential candidate, it's because they are saying "The future of this show lies with this character." And now he's gone. I think it's safe to say that the show will be too, after this season.

Sick

I've caught DH's cold. Had a 99-100 degree fever all day, and now I am headachy. Ugh. Must sleep a lot, but I really want to work on my symposium proposal. It's hard to think about it, though.

I finished the scarf for my friend. I'll post pics of it later.