Friday, May 20, 2005

Bunch of Thieves!

So my husband had his digital camera stolen out of his luggage! Boooooooo!! He called the airlines, who said that it is very, very common for cameras and camcorders to go missing after TSA searches the luggage. They're sending us insurance forms. It's a 4.5 year old digital camera, so even though it was super expensive at the time, it's only going to be a couple hundred dollars to replace it.

He's been gone for a few days now- he's at a conference. He'll be back in about a week. I kind of miss him, but it's also really relaxing to be alone at home. I need to do work!!! So much. I've been so, so lazy about it.

I would just like to tell the world that I am really happy I went off the birth control pill. So happy. My moods are so much better. I want to eat meat again. My knees aren't back to normal yet, which is really annoying, but I'm hoping they'll get there. I'm trying to take it easy in the meantime.

Monday, May 16, 2005


I started my clapotis scarf a couple of days ago. I couldn't hold off. The yarn is less blue, more gray than I would like- very appropriately colored for its name, "Denim." I think it's good, though. Here's my clapotis so far.

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Next to it is a lovely centerpull ball of yarn that I rolled myself.

Here's a great set of poems and pictures- an ode to clapotis, of sorts. I'm psyched to finish this scarf. I already want to knit another one in a delicious shade of turquoise if I can find it- a summery clapotis.

Friday, May 13, 2005

delicious knitty goodness

I've been in a great mood lately- I attribute it to being off the pill, and having good meetings with my advisor. yay!

I've been lusting after this knitting pattern lately- it's Clapotis from Knitty. I just ordered yarn to knit it from Brooks Farm Yarn- yarn sight unseen. I hope it works out. I'm forcing myself to finish a purse that I started ages ago- it's the messenger bag from Stitch 'N' Bitch Nation. I'm sick of it already, and I don't know that it's going to be cool enough for me to use on a regular basis. Maybe. We'll see. It might grow on me.

I finally finished addressing my sister's wedding invitations. I'm not sure exactly how many there were, but I think about 125. Ouch. I'm lucky I didn't give myself carpal tunnel!! Thankfully, she was delighted with how they turned out. Perfectionist that I am, I pointed out all the mistakes, most of which were due to envelope quality and ink issues. She didn't seem to care.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Not unhappy today!

Today has been a pretty good day. I had this meeting with my advisor, who, as always, made me feel better. She kicks ass.

I decided not to go to the memorial service for the MBA student, which was today. I had originally planned on going, but I thought it might just depress me. If I were close to him, or close to his friends and family, I would have just sucked it up, but today, I decided to preserve my good spirits.

But I'm thinking about his friends and family. They have a long road ahead of them. Man.

Instead, I went grocery shopping with DH. We have our meals planned out for the next two days, and we needed to get supplies. We were at Trader Joe's, and I suggested that I make a blackberry crumble (aka a "crisp"), and, I swear, DH looked like I had just told him that I didn't have any underwear on.

Men have a bad reputation for thinking with their penises. My husband thinks with his stomach!

Sunday, May 01, 2005

My Directionless Non-Existent Career

Today I have been thinking a little more about how academia as a career is almost certainly not for me, and also thinking about alternatives.

DH said today, "I just want you to be happy."

I said, "I don't think I'm very good at being happy." He said that I did seem to have to work harder at it than other folks, like that family of 8 we heard about yesterday on This American Life. This family of 8 (2 parents, 6 kids) lived pretty independently (grew most of their own food, had a natural gas well on their property that powered everything) on about 140 acres of land in West Virginia. They dropped everything and fled at a second's notice because the FBI was about to bust them for growing their own marijuana (honestly, are you that surprised?). They were on the lam for SEVEN YEARS, living in places like tiny leaky boats and treehouses, before the federal agents finally caught up to them. Anyway, the kids seemed strangly happy and content with this cramped existence, always on the run. DH admitted that they seemed above average in their ability to be happy.

He then reflected wistfully back onto our first year out of college. I was living in a city that I adored, working a job that I liked okay, making decent money, paying off debt, living independently for the first time. I think I have never been so happy in my life. I worried about money far, far too much (as I realize now), but other than that, life was terrific. We had a long distance relationship, since he was overseas on a scholarship, getting a masters. Even that was fine with me- I had my space. We were both so happy. I remember driving to Target, which was about a 20-30 minute drive, and coming back on this wooded road by the river, thinking how happy I was to have all this freedom, independence, complete with a little money to blow on things at Target occasionally. Our relationship at that time was blissfully uncomplicated by outside matters.

Then my friend died, just a month shy of my first anniversary living in that city, and everything changed. I still loved the city, but as detailed in my earlier post, I kind of went crazy.

I reflected to my therapist a session or two ago that I feel I used to be a lot more resilient. I had an easier time bouncing back from things. I now feel like an old basketball that is just a little flat. I think college was the start of it all- I was determined that I had the power to make my life good, and that if I reached a setback, well, no problem. I could try something else. After about 2.5 years of this, I had had enough.

More about that later. But the beginning of the process that led me up to where I am now didn't start with my friend dying. I think, though, that if he hadn't died, I might have had some time to build myself back up to where I was before.

Anyway, I'm starting to explore alternatives and do some research on how not to be an academic, but still do something that is interesting to me. I have some ideas...